Year 1, Part 1, The Fall

Daniel’s 1 year recap:

June 6th, 2024 I realized I needed help. I was an alcoholic. I had tried for many years at different times to “drink responsibly”. I failed every time. I would go a set amount of time with no alcohol, then move to just when we went out or a special occasion, then to just weekends, then to just as few drinks at night and inevitably back to high levels of consumption every day. For years I leaned on my wife, family and friends for support in my struggle. It was unfair and wrong. Yes, those people wanted to support me and tried, they did their absolute best and I love them a great deal for it. But they weren’t the right people to lean on. I realized that for years I had forced them into that position and what I needed to do was go get help from those who were equipped to help. I needed a sponsor and I needed a group of people who shared my struggle and understood my pain.

June 7th, 2024 my wife asked for a separation. It was such a weird feeling. I knew it was coming. How could it not be coming? Years of alcoholism and a deeply flawed relationship would eventually come to a head right? Of course it did. I moved out to our trailer. In the next three days I drank a half gallon of Tanqueray gin and a fifth of whiskey. My last “hurrah” filled with brokenness, guilt, shame and deep grief at where my life had led me. Please understand, I do not recommend this to anyone. It was not wise and I am grateful to still be alive. I am very grateful that it did not end my life or my chance at recovery and redemption.

June 10th, 2024 at 10:45pm I swallowed the last of the alcohol available and started my sober timer (I suppose it should probably be a last drink timer as I was clearly not sober in the least).

June 11th, 2024 the detox was so bad. Again, I am grateful to be alive. Another thing I do not recommend is detoxing from deep alcoholism without professional help. I am quite certain there were times I came very close to dying in the first few days.

June 12th, 2024 I went to my first AA meeting. There was what can only be seen as the divine hand of God on that day. I used an app to find a meeting and just went to one that worked for the time and distance for me. The noon meeting in Salem, OR at the Woodland Chapel called the Daily Reprieve. The moment they asked if there were visitors and I raised my hand and said the words I had been hiding in shame and guilt, I knew my life would never be the same. “Hello, my name is Daniel and I am an alcoholic.” The voices of 25+ people all said, “welcome Daniel” and I felt at home.

June 13th, 2024 there was an AA member who spoke in a way that I understood. When they spoke to those of us who needed a sponsor and asked who was willing to be a sponsor, my eyes darted to Steve and his hand went up. About 15 min before the end of the meeting he moved towards the exit and I heard a voice in my head, “Don’t let him leave without talking to him, GO, NOW!” I literally jumped up chasing him out to the parking lot and asked him to sponsor me.

June 15th, 2024 I met with Steve in the air-conditioning of his pickup truck and the work began. I attacked it. I dove in with everything I had inside me. Knowing this was the way. This was what was going to save and change my life. This was what I needed and there was nothing that was going to stop me from getting it. I would text Steve, “what’s next? I don’t want to lose my momentum.”

June 25th, 2024 Steve invited me to a small, men’s meeting on Tuesday at noon. There, I met a handful of men who were, and still are, absolutely vital to my recovery. This small group of men poured out their energy, support, love and encouragement to me via texts, phone calls, listening, etc. I felt what God’s love was through them. They had no reason to love me like that other than having God’s love.

Here I start losing specific dates. For the first couple months I gave my whole sobriety to God. Everything about sobriety I gave to Him. But that’s where I stopped. The rest of my life I didn’t release. My sobriety was going great but the rest of my life was not yet at full desperation. But don’t worry! I got there!

During the first 9-12 months of sobriety it is strongly advised not to start any relationships. The brain is poisoned and injured and trying to heal. Emotions are all over the place and very hard to control. There are still deep, broken patterns of behavior that need to be unlearned. And we need to be able to focus on the work, not relationships. But hey! I was different! It is hard to speak about this without sounding as though I am making excuses. At the time, yes, I was making excuses, but now I am simply telling you the story.

There was a girl who was so encouraging and accepting and loving. I was desperate for love and acceptance to cover the shame and guilt and pain I was digging up. At the same time I was excited and thrilled with my new chance. My new sobriety. Her dad was also in recovery so she understood the work and challenges. She struggled with addiction to drugs and understood even more! It was so great! It was my new chance! She, was my new sober life. She definitely was NOT. It was not my new chance. And the thing I want you to understand more than anything, when I thought I was different and the rules didn’t apply to me, I am not different, and the rules DO apply to me.

The relationship was sin. I was still married and no divorce had even been initiated. It was incredibly unhealthy and volatile. It was chaotic and things happened in the relationship that no normal, healthy person would ever put up with. I was not in a normal state or healthy, so I accepted things that were so messed up emotionally it’s crazy to look back on. I lost my focus on doing the work. I phoned just about everything in. And as you can imagine very shortly after it started it exploded, violently. I was forced to tell people I had been desperately hiding it from. I was consumed by pain, grief, shame, guilt and total brokenness.

I had quit one job and went to another that was absolutely miserable. It was the worst serving job I had ever had without a close comparison. I was sober but still absolutely, and totally 100% broken. My desperation was complete. I didn’t fall to my knees, I fell on my face. I wasn’t on my knees in desperation, I was fully prostrate and broken in desperation. Face down in the muck that I had created. Face down in the filth that I had allowed to fill my life for nearly two decades. Exhausted, desperate, full of grief, guilt and shame. Not sure if I wanted to live. Not sure if I deserved to live. Finding my mind drifting to the sub-compact 9mm in my concealed carry bag hanging on the coat rack.

This is the bottom. I have reached the bottom of desperation for God. Not only was the bottom about alcoholism as I had thought. This was total and complete brokenness. This is the deepest part of the night. When the darkness is so consuming you can’t see your own hand when you hold it in front of your face and you wonder if you even still exist. Has the void completely consumed me? Have I simply blinked out of existence? Is the darkness so complete and total that the light cannot reach and I will simply… cease to be?

I asked God while driving down Silverton Rd in Salem, “Why are you doing this to me? Why are you letting all this pain and shame and chaos happen to me?” Clear as day God responded, “I am not DOING anything to you. These are the consequences of your choices Daniel. This happened because you have not submitted your life completely to My will.”

In the darkness the light of God’s love pierces through the brightest and I clawed, kicked, and fought with everything inside me. But that is part 2. Part one, the fall, is complete.

And with that, I will take another 24