The Space Between

Living In The Space Between

For years I lived in the space between desperately craving a drink and being HAMMERED. My whole existence was lived there. As soon as I woke up, while I was at work, while spending time with family, while simply breathing with my eyes open, simply existing where there wasn’t alcohol and I wasn’t drinking, I was craving it. Counting the hours and minutes until I could have a drink or first opportunity that it was appropriate to have a drink. And to be fair, countless times when and where it was not appropriate. In those times of craving the ticking of the clock in my head seemed to be deafening as the seconds inched along while I waited for the release of that first sip.

Then there was the other end of the space I lived in. The full and complete gluttony of release to my addiction. Thinking I am enjoying experiences only to wake the next morning and find half of them lost to memory. Embarrassing moments. Moments I had to apologize for and feel guilty and wrong about. Shame. Begging for it to be different. Times I drove and could have caused injury to myself, and more horrifying, injury to someone totally innocent of the space between where I was living.

For years I lived somewhere in that space. Between the discomfort and longing to feed my addiction and the total release to it. It was always somewhere between those two and was NEVER outside of it. Even when it seemed I was existing outside of those two lines I was not. When it seemed I was totally sober, there was a high chance I was not. When it seemed I was enjoying myself in a situation that did not include alcohol, I guarantee you I either had some you didn’t know about or I was constantly thinking how much better that situation would be if I did have some.

In addiction to anything, there are only two ends of your existence and there is not much space or freedom between those ends. There is one side, the side of longing, craving, suffering, counting the seconds, desperation. And then there is the other side, indulgence. Shame, bad choices, negative consequences, brokenness, loss of relationships, thinking you are enjoying your life but only damaging it and others around you.

You are trapped between those to ends. You exist completely within them. Even when it seems you are living outside that space between, you aren’t. You are trying to live outside it, trying to seem to others that you are outside it, trying to convince yourself that you are outside that space between, but in reality you are not. You are trapped. I was trapped. Bouncing between the two ends while being shredded to pieces by the razor sharp blades that addiction holds in its hands.

It doesn’t matter what addiction you suffer from, you understand this. But there is freedom. Please, reach out. Please ask for help from the right people who can help you. Please, let go of the guilt and shame that traps you where you are and never for a second stop trying to find freedom from living in the space between.

I have lived outside the space between for 581 days and during that time I have discovered that freedom is not the ability to indulge at will, freedom is the ability to truly live OUTSIDE the space between.

And with that, I will take another 24.