Muted and Dimmed

If you have ever had those cheap noise canceling headphones that really only canceled about 70% of the noise you know what I mean by something sounding muted. You can kind of still hear it, but not really. Another example of what I mean is when you try to listen to someone or something through a wall. You know what I mean, one of those very thin motel walls or cheaply built home walls. Maybe more than just myself remembers trying to hear conversations between parents when you think you might be in trouble.

When I was deep in the cycle of my alcoholism I felt like everything in my life was muted. That same feeling of only hearing 30% of sound. It was feelings, emotions, relationships, experiences, etc. Every aspect of my life felt like it was being experienced through this feeling of muted life. Even the absolutely amazing experiences felt not quite as amazing as they could have been.

I remember watching the Big10 championship, the first round of the first ever college football playoff and finally the championship game in which Ohio State defeated the Oregon Ducks soundly in 2014. I was so intoxicated for the duration of all three games. In the Big10 Championship game they absolutely defied the odds and destroyed Wisconsin 59-0. I had gotten so drunk the night before with friends, stayed the night at their house, and to avoid the oncoming hangover after only a few hours of sleep began the day with mimosas followed by more whiskey. I was so drunk for the game. The next day and through the next two games I felt the elation of an odds defying end to the Big10 season shrouded in this haze of a muted experience.

I didn’t understand at the time. I assumed the alcohol was enhancing my experience, not muting it. I figured I couldn’t even enjoy it without being drunk. How could I possibly enjoy such an amazing thing without having a good buzz? Several weeks later, in the days following the championship win against Oregon, I felt I had missed parts of it. That there were gaps in how I experienced the win. Even the next day in my elation, I felt compelled to watch those games again, much more sober this time. I thought at the time I was just wanting to enjoy it all once more, but I later discovered through my sobriety that I wanted to experience what was muted by the alcohol.

I love sports and that story comes quickly to me without effort. But just as that experience was muted, not enhanced, by the alcohol I realized that everything during those years was muted just like that. In different ways, different things missed or not enjoyed to their fullest, but still, just like that 2014 three game run, muted.

I had some fantastic experiences that I now know were muted compared to what they could have been. I have had some fantastic relationships that I now know, compared to what they could have been, muted. Jobs I could have excelled at but success was muted. Entire days, weeks, months, years, muted like listening through a wall or hearing the world outside through those cheap noise canceling headphones.

In sobriety I have discovered to my great joy that I no longer feel, hear and experience life muted and not quite fully. I feel all of what it means to live this one life we are gifted. Some of it is so horribly painful and difficult it feels like I’m being ripped to shreds, but I also get all of the joy, love and beauty this life offers as well. I am no longer living muted or dimmed.

And with that, I’ll take another 24