Living in God's Will... For My Will?

Living in God’s Will… For My Will?

Through the last 9+ months of sobriety I have seesawed greatly between living in God’s will and living in my own will. As you might imagine, living in God’s will has led to sobriety, an incredible job and place to live, doors being opened to returning to church and my true heart, the service of leading others in worship. In direct opposition to living in God’s will I have chosen at times in the last 9 months to live in my own will. The result of that decision has been immense pain and chaos. Not only pain to myself, but pain to others. The ripple effect of living in my will spreads across the lake of life expanding, ring after ring, ever wider. Some call it the butterfly effect, some call it collateral damage. But regardless of what we call it, the consequences of living in God’s will or our own will are real.

The third step prayer of AA is the following: “God, I offer myself to Thee – to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!”

In the reward culture we live in today, doing the will of God has become a way to try to achieve happiness and receive the earthly rewards we desire. Does a child clean their room simply because it is the will of the parents or because there is a treat or reward after the task is complete? Do we do the will of God in the hopes that our desires will be granted like a Wishing Well? If we are good boys and girls we will get a cookie for our efforts?

To be completely clear, I’m not giving parenting advice, as locking children in the closet or under the stairs Harry Potter style is frowned upon by most people, including law enforcement and psychological experts. I am only speaking from my own experience of fighting the thoughts and urges to live in God’s will in order to be rewarded with my desires. I desire, no, long for, very specific things and I often find myself thinking that if I can just learn to do God’s will He will give me those things. During these times I also find myself struggling to fully give up my will in the fear that His will doesn’t include the things I long for on a deep and visceral level.

As I look at the third step prayer, I can’t help but notice that there is nothing in that prayer about rewards. The prayer begins by offering myself to God with no strings attached. There’s nothing that says, “I offer myself to Thee so that my pain and suffering can stop and I can be happy.” Moving along, the prayer specifies why I am offering myself to God. “to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.” Nothing about my desires.

And why do we often ask for relief of bondage and taking away difficulties? To be free of course and not have those daily struggles. But why do we ask this? For ourselves or do we really ask to be free so that “I may better do Thy will” and do we really, at our core, ask for it so that we may bear witness to God’s power, love and way of life? And when we pray “May I do Thy will always!” is there to some degree parentheses that look and sound something like, (and I hope Thy will includes my deepest desires and my will)?

Listen, the bottom line is that I am not accusing anyone of ulterior motives, but only sharing what I often struggle with when asking for God’s will. Maybe I am the only child that hopes there is a cookie when my room is cleaned. Maybe I am the only child that hopes an hour of video games is won when I do my homework. But maybe I’m not and this is received by one or some as a challenge to join me in learning to ask for and accept God’s will with no more ulterior motives. Speaking into existence every single minute, hour and day the desire for God’s will with no other result than living in His will… despite what the outcome is. “Not my will, but Your will be done.”

And with that, I will take another 24