It Doesn't Just Happen

It Doesn’t Just Happen

For years I looked in the mirror at the end of the day and asked myself why I did it all again. “Why in the actual hell did you drink so much again today? You are going to feel this tomorrow. How are you going to go to work or get up in the morning? What’s wrong with you?!?!” And after that mental berating of myself I would promise that tomorrow would be different. Tomorrow surely would be different. “I can’t keep doing this. I have to end the cycle. Tomorrow I will drink less and sort of slow myself down.”

I would wake in the morning and by afternoon be so miserable I’d have a drink or two “just to get rid of the hangover”. I’d pledge to myself that it was just to get through the day, not more. “I won’t have too much and I’ll start letting my body ease off because if I completely stop now the next three days will be unbearable.”

By the end of the day I was having the same conversation with myself in the mirror. Same angry berating. The same frustration. The same fear of tomorrow. The same guilt and shame of my weak and pathetic lack of ability to change. The failure to myself, my then wife, my family. The failure to God. All these thoughts coursed through me with a mix of white hot, searing anger and numbing shame. I felt excruciating pain and total numbness at the same time every day, morning and evening.

But here’s my point, change doesn’t just happen. Every day I told myself it was going to be different the next day. But I didn’t DO anything different. I didn’t admit I was an alcoholic, I didn’t reach out for real help, I didn’t bow before God in desperation, I wasn’t truly honest with ANYONE.

I did these pointless small things that allowed me to feel good about trying, but avoided any true pain and sacrifice to bring change. I was afraid of the consequences of truly changing. I was afraid I wasn’t strong enough. I was terrified of the pain and embarrassment of admitting I was an alcoholic and having to do the work. So, I didn’t. I just simply stared in the mirror, berated the person staring back at me while days, months, years, dreams, my marriage, relationships, callings, all burned around me and the embers of the burning floated in the air casting red/orange flickering lights in the reflection of the mirror as I stared, not knowing if the white hot rage would make me rip the mirror off the wall or the numbing shame would force me to curl up on the bathroom floor until it consumed me and I simply, disappeared.

It doesn’t matter what needs to change. What part of yourself you want to be different tomorrow. I am an alcoholic, you might not be, you might have any number of other things we as humans struggle with. I don’t need to ramble on naming any of them because if this speaks to you, right this very moment, you know exactly what it is. Don’t hide from it, embrace it. As you read this let that thing that instantly comes to mind wash over you and embrace it. Take a minute and then keep reading.

Listen, change requires effort. Being different from tomorrow requires me and you to embrace pain and reach out to the RIGHT person who can truly help (I tried to get help from people who weren’t equipped and able to help me for years). It requires making a plan, not just expecting it to be different. It requires accountability from the RIGHT person to hold you accountable (again, for years I asked for accountability from people who weren’t equipped to hold me accountable the way I needed). It requires moving forward, maybe on your hands and knees in desperation, but still moving forward.

Change isn’t the flick of a lightswitch. When you see sudden and massive change in someone’s life seemingly “overnight” it may look like it just happened. For me, one day I drank half of a half gallon sized bottle of gin I had. Now, over 460 days later, I haven’t had an ounce. But I assure you, it didn’t just happen. In my total brokenness I found help, I found accountability, I found a plan and I moved forward. I crawled forward. I sank into even deeper grief and desperation after 5 months. I crawled forward more. I was humble and truly honest with myself and others for the first time in decades or maybe for the first time in my entire life. I released myself to God and His will.

I’m going to say it again, change doesn’t just happen. Embrace the pain, be humble and honest, reach out for the RIGHT help, make a plan, find accountability from the RIGHT person, move forward on hands and knees if you have to and pray. You cannot yell at the person in the mirror enough to force that person to be different. Change doesn’t just happen.

And with that, I will take another 24