11 Months

11 Months

If you thought the blog I would write when I hit 11 months would most certainly be about how much I appreciate everyone who supported me and how grateful I am for the immeasurable blessings I have received, about how God has heard and responded every time I have desperately needed Him and about how my life is so different since I have quit drinking, well, yeah, so did I, but it’s not.

Yeah, of course all those things are true. Of course I appreciate and am grateful for so much! But, it’s not the flowery exposé that leaves me feeling amazed and full of fuzzy feelings. It’s also, and I want to be clear about this, not a cry for attention or “you got this”. It’s a real and honest look into the journey of sobriety and where I am. It’s intended to show others who might be feeling this way that you are not alone and where you are and what you are feeling is not wrong. If offering an open and honest look in the windows of my sobriety journey encourages even just one person out there, the time spent living the journey and the time typing, clumsily editing, and posting it will have been worth it. If just one person puts their foot in the ground, crouches low in readiness, gives a battle cry, and takes on their own addiction, alcoholism, broken relationship, failure, weakness, terror, pain, etc. so then will I rejoice with them.

So here’s the open window:

The last couple weeks leading up to this 11 months have been tough. I went on a 4 day retreat with just me, my dog, Bible, guitar, journal, food, no cell or internet service, and a small amount of downloaded content from some of my favorite pastors. It was heavy. No distractions from technology to keep my mind busy or go running to when the feelings and thoughts became too much. Yes, it was heavy, but God was there with me. Spoke to me clearly when I asked. I found direction and focus. But, again, it was heavy.

I returned and the cyclone of “one thing after another” at work struck with force. It was literally one thing after another, day after day, work days and days off it didn’t make an exception. Then personal life crashed in on top of the cyclone. Have you ever seen a wave crash over top of a cyclone? Yeah, me neither, but in my mind eye that’s exactly what this was like. Multiple personal life events one after another slammed down on top of the work cyclone. My sleep was consumed by restless nights. My dreams relentlessly and viciously attacked my most vulnerable pain points with such precision a brain surgeon would be amazed. I woke sweating and/or crying multiple times a night to the point I didn’t want to even go to bed.

And at 11 months, all of this is still going. The cyclone is still roaring and the wave is still crashing down. The dreams, as of last night, were still continuing their relentless assault on my heart.

Tonight I asked, “Why is this happening?”

“You asked me for grit.”

“I can’t do this. I’m so tired. I am so exhausted. The pain, the stress, the battle, is constant, unrelenting, doesn’t stop. When does it stop?”

“My grace is sufficient for you. Put your foot in the ground, give a battle cry, and fight!”

You see, I did ask for grit, a long time ago. I asked for relentlessness. I asked to be stronger. I asked to be mentally tough. Years and years ago I asked for it. I felt weak and full of shame for my alcoholism. Everyday for YEARS I went to bed pledging tomorrow would be different. Tomorrow would be the day I start to turn it around and get control. And I woke knowing almost within minutes that today would indeed NOT be different. That indeed I had no grit, no fight. I knew in shame and disappointment that I was weak and today would be no different. I begged for grit, I begged to be strong. I begged to be different then I was. I pleaded with myself to be better.

Then one day in total and complete defeat I gave up begging myself, and begged my God, and grit training began. The last 11 months of grit training started with the worst sickness, body shakes, DT’s, sweating, crying, and pain I’ve ever experienced and hope never to again. Grit training started in the rooms of AA, 24 hours at a time, listening to stories and feeling love and acceptance. Grit training continued while living in a travel trailer, through 5 months of still making terrible choices, that finished destroying what my alcoholism started burning down; my marriage. Grit training forced me to my knees to crawl and dig my way back to God and church. Recognizing for the first time in 20 years how far I had drifted. Grit training continued through relocation and a new job. The dreams were a constant plague and reminder of the brokenness of my mind and spirit. The scars and wounds that I covered up with whiskey, vodka, gin, wine and beer showed up in my dreams night after night. The grit training brought with it the depths of loneliness and sadness that has threatened to consume me until I blinked out of existence multiple times a day. The grit training exhausted me.

Tonight, at 10:44 I sat and watched as the seconds ticked by. 15, 30, 45, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59 and then all the numbers and letters blinked and the screen said 11 Months and 00 Days. And the seconds, hours, days and months of grit training continued.

If you ask God for grit, you better know what you are asking for. Grit is not given. You don’t wake up one day and have grit. There’s no jumping the grit line and all the sudden having it. Mine isn’t even close to fully developed. My grit training will continue tomorrow (well today since it’s like 12:15). This 11 months has been recognizing that I am in grit training. Earning it everyday that I do the work. Every day that I keep my focus on God and living in His will. Everyday that I am honest with myself and others. That I make amends where I need to. Everyday that I search my heart for bitterness and resentments. When I forgive and serve others my grit training continues moving me closer to, the unrelenting grit that I asked for. If you ask God for grit, be ready to work. Be ready to fight for it. Be ready to earn it.

His grace is sufficient for you! Now, put your foot in the ground, give a battle cry, and fight! Earn. Your. Grit!

And with that, I will take another 24